Want To Hear an Uplifting Story? Actually, No. Now Shut Up.

Just when you thought the constant barrage of advertisements we face in our daily lives couldn't get any more gruelling, somebody had to come up with peopleforgood.ca. I feel bad enough about myself already. Every day on my way to work I'm reminded that I'm average to quirky at best on the attractiveness scale, I can't buy expensive things i.e. achieve respect/happiness, my career is going nowhere, I'm hungry (for gut-busting junk food) and I may even need psychological help or possibly down the line, certain men's health products.

So as I zoom through the rat race, clutching my plastic bag of day-old pre-made sushi and a travel mug and trying desperately not to bash people with my purse while I crane my neck to check out my 9 AM reflection in the subway window, the pressures that convene on me, flickering overhead, are best left ignored.

But these are a little difficult. They're brightly coloured and usually begin with white text and then transition to smaller black text, which is frankly infuriating. The only thing worse than an ad that instantly annoys you is one which exploits human curiosity allowing the annoyance to drag out. I mean I "WANT TO HEAR AN UPLIFTING STORY." But I don't want it to go "A GUY LETS EVERYONE ON THE BUS BEFORE HIM. THE END." What?? You mean that old lady I discreetly shoved past in order to get to this crucial intersection probably didn't appreciate that?? You mean she didn't feel uplifted? Shit!

It's an admirable position, I'll admit, but we all know how much we hate do-gooders, especially when they rub it in. Nothing makes you feel worse about that whole block of cheese you ate while watching four solid hours of TV in a row than the person who tells you all about her overnight charity run while nibbling carrot sticks. And once we know that story, it makes us all the more eager to find out about the forty-five minutes she's about to spend in her cubicle texting and watching funny dog videos.

The idea behind all this is that by being "good" we're somehow going to make everyone feel "good," or at least ourselves. There is a delightfully selfish bent to that latter cause which I feel is the wondrous root of all human compassion. Unfortunately after taking one look at the "Good Ideas" section of the website, I have to say their plan is doomed to fail:

1. Mow your neighbour's lawn
2. Instead of an email, send a handwritten note.
3. Call your mother
4. Bring home flowers.
5. Make cookies for your neighbours
6. Do a chore, even if it's not your turn.
7. Give up the remote
8. Make breakfast for the household
9. Go say hello to your neighbour.
10. Shovel an elderly person's driveway.

Pretty much all of these things are going to make me feel worse, not to mention nothing but nothing gets me started like inconsistent punctuation, so they're already halfway to hell in my books. Good luck, people.

Not.

AMY