The Maxi Dress

In recent months there has been an exciting new development in the fashion world: the revival of the maxi dress. Though the name of the garment may conjure up some unfortunate associations, the real downfall of the maxi dress is that it has brought on a slew of idiotic magazine articles about how "classic" you'll look in this dress.

C'mon people. If you put your pea-size brains to use, you would see why the maxi dress is the nouveau utility belt. Seriously, they should have these things next to the life jackets in airplanes.

So without further ado, here are eight reasons why I love the maxi dress:

1. The wearer does not have to worry about closing her* legs at social gatherings, and will have the peace of mind to tend to more important matters.

2. The maxi dress provides the wearer with a built-in carryall, should she wish to bring an extra liquor bottle with her for emergencies.

3. As maxi dresses are often either black or patterned, the wearer may spill her drink at will and go unnoticed by other guests.

4. At the inevitable point in the late hours of the evening when the wearer decides that she is capable of jumping extreme distances – say, from the balcony to the pavement below – the maxi dress will act as a parachute and guide the wearer gently to safety.

5. The maxi dress will make such a splash at social gatherings that the wearer will often be confronted by guests who wish to borrow said maxi dress. Should this situation arise, the maxi dress will invest the wearer with the confidence to rightfully defend her ownership. For example, she will now have the strength to utter, “BITCH THE PARACHUTE IS MINE!”

6. Similar to reason number two, when the wearer passes out on the couch (due to being in an unfit state to descend the stairs to her bedroom), she need not worry about the view she may be exposing unbeknownst to passersby of the living room.

7. The next morning, the wearer may continue to wear her maxi dress to the diner, the park, the drugstore, and anywhere else on her hangover pilgrimage, and continue to receive compliments from strangers on the street. The maxi dress is the ultimate day-to-night dress.

8. In the event that the wearer committed a so-called “party fowl” the previous night and is now being subjected to disdainful silence from her roommates, the wearer will no longer need the non-believers – only her precious, precious maxi dress.


*Obviously I realize that a guy can wear a maxi dress too, and in fact, I encourage it. I bet the billowing fabric feels awesome.

JULIA